Strength

I’ve heard a lot of talk recently about being strong. The need to stay strong and battle on.
It’s something that teams up well with another post I had been wanting to write about perception.
How do we perceive being strong? is it the ‘stiff upper lip’ that us brits are famous for? or the ability to ignore all emotions and just forge ahead regardless of how we feel? How do you perceive being a strong person?

I was having a conversation a few days ago with a good friend of mine, Warren.
I was explaining about how whenever I try to speak in front of others I become very self conscious. I become almost frozen with fear when I try to use my voice. That’s one of the reasons I write. When I work with sitters in private one to one readings, I shake! I am so lacking in confidence. The idea of actually standing up in front of even a small crowd of people terrifies me. Meeting friends in a pub on an evening can almost reduce me to tears if I have to walk in to find them on my own. Giving spirit messages is something that is completely out of my comfort zone because I question absolutely everything as it is given to me.

He was completely taken aback because of how he perceives me… when I speak,  he sees a strong confident person- one who puts others at ease and trusts in every word that flows from my mouth. He was honestly shocked to hear how anxious a public speaker I am and was amazed that I hide this difficulty so well.

So heres the secret. I wear a mask. Whenever I feel anxious or nervous around others I pull out the happy bubbly Nici, the Nici who is loud and smiley and confident and doesn’t care what others think about her- because the only opinion that matters is how she feels about herself. This is the Nici who gives advice to others, the Nici who battles through. Not everyone gets to see the me once the mask is off and apparently I do a great job of keeping that mask on!

So does that make me a strong person?  I would say no. In fact I would go as far as to say that this is the opposite.

‘speak your truth, even if your voice shakes’

That is my perception of a strong person. Being yourself and making no apology for it. Being at one with your emotions and using them as a strength within you, is what being strong is about. Allowing yourself to feel and embrace the human emotions that make you the most beautiful, imperfectly perfect human that ever existed.

That is strength!

I am a strong person. I have had many mountains to climb in my life and I have had a go at every single one of them. But this mask is a mountain that often feels too big, too scary and too impossible to get over. Will people still like me when they see who I truly am?
One of my biggest issues is how others perceive me. What they say to others when speaking about me. How I make others feel. To be honest, I am being unfair to those people by only showing them the side of me that I wish them to perceive.
I have a teacher guide, Sila,  who has come forward the last few months to slowly and painfully help me to become my true self. She chips away a little at a time and gives me fresh insights into how I can only become truly myself when I start to realise that ALL of me is perfect. I am both light and dark, both confident and shy. Being shy is not a weakness. It is a strength. It is intended as a way to get to know people and feel how you connect to them, before opening yourself up more. I am slowly learning this as I move forward. I also have a spirit animal guide- A wise old owl. They are well known for their ability to silence the world and listen. To learn and perceive things exactly as they are.

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By NOT putting on my mask and being the loud bubbly confident person – I can have that reflective time to get to know people before they can perceive me as something I’m not.

I am actually a very happy bubbly loud person. But I don’t need to push that upon people straight away. Being strong for me is about allowing me to be completely myself and then knowing that I can be perceived exactly as me, rather than a version of me that then confuses people once they realise they were essentially, deceived.

We all use emotional armour. Each and every one of us. But is it to protect us and help us in the long term? or actually is it truly hindering us from allowing people to get to know the real us…

Letting yourself be at one with all facets of your personality is one of the most important concepts I am learning so far.

Believe me, it is not an easy ride! but its one that is making me stronger every single day.

Much Love As Always, Nici x

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