Not 100% sure where I am going with this post, but what I do know is Im feeling agitated and need to put it all down on ‘paper’ so to speak!
Ive been struggling for the last few weeks on and off. Some days are better than others of course but overall I find myself questioning things an awful lot.
Questioning whether Im cut out for all this stuff called My life.
Questioning my parenting abilities.
Questioning my ability to Home Educate my boys.
Questioning my approach to life in general, second guessing myself. Finding myself typing something and then deleting it, worse still, not deleting it and then worrying I may have offended someone.
The truth of life is that you cannot please everyone all of the time. Some of my opinions or thoughts may offend others. My bluntness or sarcasm may come across to someone as rude or as if I am being a bitch. But do you know what? What other people think of me is none of my business.
This leads me to a subject I have not spoken of before. Social Networks….
Quite often when i post something on my personal facebook, its a rhetorical thought. A little brain fart if you will, or a snap shot of a feeling I am experiencing at that exact moment. There has been several of these over the last few weeks and my close friends and family know it is just me chucking something out there. Not to be fixed or to be discussed, but just to get it out so I can then continue with my day. I am aware that facebook is a social network and therefore my posts probably seem quite contradictory to the social element of that but it is my personal space, being shared with those I choose to share it with. Some use their personal space to share articles, some to share little memes or photos of their children, some use it as intended- to talk to friends, chat, catch up and stay connected. Whatever we use these social networks for, we need to remember that just because we relate to each other enough to be facebook friends, doesnt mean we share the same views or opinions or ideals. I have a tonne of spiritually like minded friends who are absolutely nothing to do with my non spiritual friends. I have old friends from school on my facebook purely because, although we dont see each other- we enjoy seeing how each other is getting along in life. I try not to have anyone on my friends list that I do not personally know, unless its mediums for example who I enjoy posts about, or hearing about their events. But it really is all about how we relate to each group. and more importantly how we relate to others as a whole.
I used to have separate lists of people on facebook so that I could tailor my posts to the relevant people. Yes I am being serious. Do any of you do that?
How much effort I used to go to, to ensure I didnt make anyone feel even one ounce uncomfortable, yet making myself uncomfortable in the process. Posting to particular groups of people in my life. Excluding others from other posts in my life. At the end of the day my life is a whole entire thing. I am me and I should not feel the need to segregate my life into little segments deemed appropriate for that group of people. We all have personal responsibility and integrity and I would never purposefully post something to cause offense to another. But to put such a large amount of thought into checking who Id be posting this post to and whether they may have issue with what I post etc etc- it takes it all too far. Life is so simple, yet we really do insist on complicating it!!
Our personal responsibility starts with ourselves. We have a specific responsibility to be ourselves. Be happy with that self and to be honest and truthful to that self. Thats why I dont accept friend requests on facebook from children such as nieces etc. I swear like a trooper and post inappropriate jokes on my facebook all the time. It would be wrong of me to accept these children and then expect them to just deal with my sometimes vulgar, but always funny behaviours.
Some may feel they dont like how honest I am about my life in such a public forum. What people dont understand is there is always an element of issues that I do not go into. I may appear open to some, but There are always layers beneath the things I speak of, that NO ONE knows. I chuck out just enough of a thought that I feel it has been put out there and then I move swiftly on. It is how I deal with things that frustrate me.
I have friends that can relate really well to that. They may just like the status as a show of support, or post a smily face or kisses on the status to let me know they ‘get it’ I have other friends who will give me a text to check im ok or give me a quick call to check in. I have other friends that will sympathise or suggest ideas for me to fix the issue. notice I used the word friends alot. When I speak of these friends I mean facebook friends.
This phenomenon of having 200 friends who know all sorts about you is not real. Yes we share common interests or send support to each other. Yes we can have a giggle and a joke, but in terms of real friends? I can count them on fingers, not in likers or comments on a facbook post. These people who you are friends with on facbook though- are not any less or more important. They are a friendly profile picture on a night of insomnia, a virtual hug and sometimes a complete life line when we are struggling. That is not to be sniffed at!! that is important!!
But at the same time, I know that if all social networks were to die tomorrow there would still be those few people left. Those that I counted on my fingers, my real life, physical huggable friends. The ones I know the telephone numbers of, or addresses to pop over for a cuppa. The ones who are written on the calender so borthdays arent forgotten. The ones who would notice if i were to become quiet for a day or two. Those are the relationships that are to be given the most input.
When I started this post, I said I wasnt sure where it was going. I guess now I know. The importance of real life. The importance of being real for you. The unplugging of the virtual reality and the importance of seeing who is actually still there afterwards. I know who will still be there for me, Do you?
That brings me back to my struggles the last few weeks. The things I struggle with daily are 100% real. However, I am not in the habit of feeling sorry for myself for very long. When I have a whinge, stomp my feet or have a cry- Its generally because Ive been being strong and keeping all those juggling balls in the air for too long and need a quick breather. I am not the sort of person who will ever blame an illness or a condition on why I behave the way I do. I am just me amd sometimes I am childish or selfish or pissed off, or angry or sad. We all have struggles or illnesses. I suffer chronic pain and have done most of my life. I have 2 boys with additional needs, one of which has medical problems too. I run a busy home and home educate my children along with keeping my daughter in school. My point is that my struggles or illnesses are nothing in comparison to anothers. Why? because our lives are not comparable. We are all unique and how we each deal with an issue or illness or struggle, is unique to us.
My husband for example. He broke his back just under a year ago. He was back to work 3 months later, in his very physical job as an air conditioning engineer. How? with sheer determination and stubbornness. Pure disbelief that anything like this would happen to him and he would move hell or high water to get back to work. He is in daily pain, He is on pain meds to help him. He is still not fixed but he continues on, battles through and most days ends with a smile on his face. Some people are just created that way. Some people just get on with it. That doesnt make them any better or worse a person. Just that they relate to their life differently.
We all deal with our life challenges differently. I cope by verbalising. Getting those emotions or fears or worries out, or down on paper. I release them and then do my best to charge forward. I try not to be that person who says ‘sorry I was horrid but Im tired’ oh ‘I cant do that but only cos im too ill, sorry’ For me personally, Any apology with a ‘but’ in is not an apology. Its a justification for the behaviour, Behaviour that we can change but only from ourselves, for ourselves. I know people in wheel chairs, or with missing limps or severe and agonising conditions (such as stiff man syndrome) who still go do their shopping each week. Still meet friends. Still go to work. Still run marathons. Still do everything they can to charge forward and get as much out of their life as they can. The only difference is how they deal with the difficulties dealt to them. Its the inner self that drives you. And it is the inner self who you fail when you make excuses.
What Im getting at I guess, is that we need to OWN OUR OWN SHIT
Accept when we are wrong. Celebrate our small successes. Apologise when we mean it and not because we feel the need to justify. Look at ourselves and how we approach things before seeking to judge another. Try harder!! We all need to try harder and not just accept a position we feel stuck in! Sit within and be brutally honest with what we could be doing better with. Stop making excuses and start living the life we wish to make for ourselves. We all find things hard. Some more than others, but we all struggle in some way. Its how we grow into our life! so embrace and use your struggles as a reason to push forward. Find that drive and determination to get up those goddam stairs because they will not beat you today!! even if you only manage 3 steps, its more than you would, if you made an excuse to not try…
Sometimes we all want to scream ‘Stop the world I want to get off!’.
But never stop too long…. maybe just long enough to smell the roses and rest before the next hurdle.
Much love as always xx Nici xx