This week has been hard for me. I suffer from a disorder that severely affects my hormones for around 7 to 10 days a month. Most people have heard of PMS relating to a woman’s cycle? This is PMS with extra hot sauce, bells and razor sharp teeth. It’s called PMDD and it is honestly pretty soul destroying. It had calmed down over the past 6 months but has decided to make up for all the relative calmness, in one foul swoop this month instead.
Yesterday out of the blue, I woke up enraged. Internally shaking with every fibre of my body and unable to function, yesterday I was a useless person. A rubbish mother who everyone is better off without. Yesterday I was stupid for thinking people cared and instead my irrational thoughts led me to the fact that I don’t actually have friends. Instead I have people who pretend, so that they can mock me and laugh behind my back. Yesterday- I literally woke up insane. I am not a suicidal person and I don’t have depression, yet this disorder causes me to wake up with these feelings of never wanting to wake up again. Yesterday I had visions- vivid ones, of me slitting my wrists.
Now I know this is pretty hard core and difficult to read. But it does pass. Sometimes it’s a few hours, sometimes a few days but it always passes. Generally a day or two before my period starts, and then ping! I am back to my usual, still slightly wacky and quirky, non insane self.
So that was yesterday. With the help of my friends and being able to just vent and be honest, Giving the feelings a voice, I was able to get a handle on things alot quicker than normal. Today has been a different sort of day. The turbulence of yesterday had caused knots in my shoulders and a feeling of loss. Loss of what I don’t know but I found my self wandering the house several times today, just a lost & very empty soul.
So this evening I decided to have a bath. Water is brilliant for me and has a cleansing, calming affect so I lit my candles, poured in my bath salts, turned off the lights and just melted into the warm heaven I call my bathroom. My sanctuary and my sacred space.
I tried to slip gently into meditation but I felt figgity and unable to settle, so I chose to listen to a guided meditation instead. my word what a meditation it was!
I chose it from a recommendation on a spiritual group I admin on, a guided meditation to meet your spirit guides. Well, all I can say is wow. Never have I had such an emotional, vivid and beautiful connection.
The guide talks you through all the way down into the depths of your subconscious, I can’t tell you what she says but I can say that the visualisation’s the words create are wonderful! Eventually I found myself at a grass clearing where I sat and enjoyed the warm sun on my face while I waited for a guide to appear. Well surprise surprise, 3 turn up. All draped in cloaks of white light but I recognised them straight away. They came and sat down and we formed a circle. In front of me, my amazing and wonderful Native Indian friend, upon his shoulder sat my wise owl, The first guide I ever connected to. To my right, Sila. My beautiful warrior pagan viking lady. Sat next to her, lazing in the warm sunshine, my new friend, the black panther. To the left of me, a guide I have seen but was yet to know the name of, until now. Stunning in her pink and orange drapes and green bangles, decorated in jewels to her third eye. A true Hindu angel- Rani.
They all sat there smiling at me, waiting for the questions to come. So ask I did.
I won’t go into the discussions we had as that is for me, but I will say that I feel a lot of peace right now about the fears I have. The biggest revelation though was this. I asked what is my biggest fear. Each had a different answer.
‘To accept you HEAR us’ – the gatekeeper answered.
‘To BE seen for who you truly are’- the actress replied
‘To not need approval from anyone but yourself’ – responded the shadow self
At that moment, as all 4 of us raised our left hand and placed it to our heartspace, I knew. 3 answers for 3 separate elements of me on my journey right now. We are all one and feel all as one and walk as one, in togetherness, but each element has a different branch, off the path that requires work.
That is the journey we are on my friends. To find all the pieces and enlighten the soul towards the higher purpose. To become at one with ourself and therefore the soul, the universe and all that exists.
To know that when I feel the way I feel this week, I am not alone in my own soul, is enough. That this is what I signed up for, the struggles enlighten more so, than any easy ride ever could. I chose me and I choose to accept my path.
This too shall pass and in my heart I truly know that today.