Conversations with the self…solitude.

I had a beautiful connected meditation last night. I set my intent to allow my higher self to let me know anything I need to know right now.

I found myself standing on the highest red rock cliff, dressed in the most beautiful white flowing clothing, my long blond hair flowing in the breeze. I just stood there breathing in the silence, I realised I was in mountain pose. Me and the expansive desert lands below and all around in complete silence, feeling the warmth of the sun setting across the horizon. Just breathing and grounded. Free and expanded in my heart space. It was absolutely stunning and I found myself unable to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.

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After a while I felt myself open my arms and just fall off the cliff. Completely trusting in the process. It was exhilarating and natural all at once. I kept my focus on the horizon and I flew towards it with a smile in my heart.

It was then that I spoke to myself. Because we must remember, our higher self is the real us within. The absolute best and highest of all that we are. I asked her why I was crying.

I was crying because of the sheer perfection of the me I am without the crap. Without all the learnt limits, the ego, the self hate and detrimental self talk. I was crying because of the absolute love and beauty of her, and therefore of Me. I was releasing the need to be perfect and embracing the knowledge that I already am.

My higher self has always come to me via two different personalities and last night I asked her why? If higher self is the perfect self at the heart of source, why are there two of her? But there aren’t two of her of course. She merely shows me two versions of the self that I feel the need to categorise. I still cannot see myself as a whole being and feel the need to separate my self into light and shadow. So she does so to help me learn, in time that they are in fact, one in the same. One cannot exist without the other and they are not separate from each other, there is no separation. They are whole and that is perfection.

So for me to be able to grow within my understanding of myself, she and I, we, have separated ourselves into two. The good and the bad. The light and the shadow. They are separated in my thinking mind but last night I saw the absolute beauty of being whole.

All of my strengths, perceived weaknesses, gentle and strong, fragile and tough. All within the same. One and the same.  Whole. And that overwhelmed me and rocked me in the most amazing way.

When we had finished with this revelation (for now) I asked her whether there was anything I needed to see right now. She showed me different situations in my life, like snapshots in a movie. There was a common theme.

I was never in solitude in one of the scenes. Either with the children, with friends, with family, with others. I spend time in the morning in solitude and in the evening, but I am never truly alone. There is always someone who will interrupt. Someone who needs me. Someone who will text or call or pop in.

And I have created my space in that way on purpose for whatever reason, until now. I needed to be needed, I wanted to be needed. Being needed by others has been very important to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to be of service to others but you need to remember that the person who needs you most is you.

She showed me moments of solitude. Moments of complete peace. Sitting on a bench near a lake, alone. At a park with my sketch book, alone. In a field taking in the beauty of the massive ancient tree in front of me, alone.

I am needed and that is beautiful. But I also need me too. I am ready for that silence now, that true solitude.

The knowledge that I don’t ‘need’ to be alone for too long because I will always be needed by another, has been a great way of NOT ‘having’ to be with myself & be me. I needed to limit myself and fear solitude, but not anymore.

Now it’s time to shed another layer of that fear. It’s good to spend time truly alone with yourself. It’s time to take more steps towards being with that real me and being comfortable with the silence and welcome that solitude to know thyself better. I welcome those opportunities and I will create them for me. 

Nici Gorman

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