I’m sat here on a bench on the high street as I write this. Cars going by, buses. People chattering in the last of the spring sunshine that made an appearance today.
I’ve just gone and got my takeaway coffee and there is no rush for the bus.

I know I need to write something but I’m not sure what it is. So I’m just kind of sitting here chattering away in my head. The word that stopped me and caused me to sit down was forgiveness. So I’m guessing that’s what we are writing about?

In mindfulness we are taught the practice of being present in the moment, noticing anything that arises without judgement. The same is said for heart centred living in a way. Being present in the heart at all times. Not allowing the mind to control your actions and thus being mindful.

Forgiveness is a weird one. While on this journey I have found that I forgive others fairly easily. I didn’t used to, but It’s becoming easier not to hold onto things as much over the past year in particular. There are still somethings I struggle with of course, but overall I find that I have learnt to let go of others stuff that I feel hurt about, easier. I’m more able to take a step back and look at it objectively, given time.

But what struck me just as I sat down a few minutes ago, is that there is one thing I still struggle immensely with.
Self forgiveness.

I’ve had a pretty tough week in terms of my mental health. I’ve kept it to myself as much as possible with a few slips here and there. Now that I am more level again, I’ve been really struggling with whether I’ve said something I shouldn’t have. Whether I’ve offended anyone this week. Whether I should speak about it or not.

They say a problem shared is a problem halved don’t they. But in reality it doesn’t always work that way. Not when the problems are a different version of reality that you know isn’t real, but you just can’t seem to pull yourself far enough out of the darkness to make positive change.

With this hormonal issue it is a little like being on one side of a glass wall and watching yourself do all this stuff. Irrational, anxious, paranoid, angry, crazy. You are banging on the wall and shouting but she can’t hear you. You are aware of everything she is saying but you can’t stop her and all you can do is just pray that the wall will begin to crack soon to let you out.

But no one wants to hear that problem. And once you say something like that you can’t take it back. You can’t go back and say ‘honestly, I’m fine’

And then you fall into a cycle of guilt and worry and fear. And forgiving yourself that is hard.

Now that I’m feeling more level I am mortified that I shared some of the things I shared this week with others.

But all that guilt and upset and worry is not on the heads of others and their opinions. It’s on my own head. It doesn’t actually matter whether others forgive my over share or anything else.

I must learn to forgive myself. And that is a hard one! It’s a complete waste of my time to be stuck in a cycle in this way. It destroys me peace and joy. Even today, I spent time logging dates and details, working out how many days until the symptoms begin to come back. Catastrophising about it. I am aware I am doing this hence why I’m writing about it. 

Because actually. It’s a cycle like any other. The light and dark. Both exist. And I must learn to forgive myself for thinking less of me when I am in the darker days. And live in each day, enjoying the lighter days and accepting and embracing the darker ones. Not counting down or waiting. Just being me as best I can every single day, whatever that brings.

Forgiveness of the self for thinking less of the self. It’s a hard one.

Nici Gorman


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