Learning to say no.

One of the most empowering things you can do is to say yes.

Yes to opportunities
Yes to situations
Yes to life.

Or so I thought…

Interestingly, the most important thing I have found recently is balancing those Yes’s with resounding No’s too.

Saying no is as much a choice as saying yes.

I thought that saying yes to things was the right attitude to have. You never experience anything unless you say yes right? You will never gain that vital growth if you don’t say yes? You don’t know what’s out there until you say yes to it?


Saying no, if anything, is even more powerful than saying yes.

But when opportunity knocks and you say no, is it an opportunity missed? Will you regret saying no? Is it because of lack of self confidence? Is it because you may fail?

These are all questions that I’ve been putting to myself recently.

Why have I been saying yes so much, to things that I’m too afraid to admit do not resonate with my soul.

After a pivotal reading today with frankly, an amazing man Chris Byrne I have finally found my answers.

I say yes because I’m following what I think people want me to do. I say yes because I’m following that crowd. I’m made to stand out yet I follow. Why is that?

I finally understand what has blocked me for so long. Abandonment.

I’m scared of people abandoning me. I’m worried that if I don’t say yes to stuff, that I won’t be wanted anymore. I’m scared to be me!

I am terrified of saying no, that’s not for me. Because if that’s not for me, what happens to those people who I’m following along with? What have I got to give if it’s not in line with what they hope for me?

So I’ve been following along. Allowing people to take me along various paths and twists and turns. I’ve learnt masses. But the most important thing I have learnt?

That I have to follow my own path. It doesn’t even matter that I don’t know what that path is, or where it will take me. I must start having the courage to say no.

Saying no to allowing myself to be swept along by what I think, people think, I should be doing.

Saying no to others well meaning pushes into directions I don’t feel I want to go in.

Accepting that the reason I don’t want to do something is as simple, as it not sitting with my own self.

It’s not about confidence. I am confident. It’s not about lacking self worth.

It’s about having the courage to stand up and know my worth as an individual. As me. Not as a friend of so and so. Not as someone’s mother, or ex wife or daughter.

By saying no to what I don’t feel I want, I am saying yes to more of what I do want. And those are true yes moments. Those are the moments of excitement and interest and want.

When we learn to feel with our simplest of connections, our heart, we learn that it’s not about ego. It’s not saying no through fear. It’s saying no through confidence in what sits with you. It takes as much courage to say yes as it takes to say no.

Learning to say no. It’s just as massively important as learning to say yes.

And abandonment? A victim mentality that I have sat in for far too long. Never truly seeing it for the power it had over me. No one can abandon me, I had abandoned myself.

I had given that energy to others. Others to makes the decisions in my life. Others to push and pull. Others. When you place everything upon others, you will of course feel abandoned when that changes.

It’s scary to feel abandoned. But do you know what’s even scarier? Living your life through the eyes of other people in fear of the abandonment you have already survived.

The minute you feel abandoned, it’s a lesson. It’s not the sort of bitter lesson where you say ‘no more relying on anyone else, no more trusting others’

It’s a lesson that to feel abandoned, means you gave yourself to others and placed expectations on them that you cannot even achieve for yourself.

Misplaced expectations, externally projected upon others.

Face your own fears instead. Stop projecting upon others and instead, See those fears for what they are because actually? They are so much smaller than they appear to be.

Nici Gorman


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