Migraines, control and the carefree girl within

Something I’ve been reflecting on with this month’s full moon is releasing the need to control. Originally I understood that to be in a more physical sense but after a hemiplegic migraine last night and then it continuing into today, I’ve had little to do but reflect and be today.

(For those that don’t know, a hemiplegic migraine is when the migraine produces symptoms that can be very scary. It causes weakness, usually on one side of the body & face, it messes with your vision but this can be more blindness in one eye as opposed to an aura, it scrambles your thoughts processes and speech and can last anywhere from a few minutes to days. In fact It’s pretty scary even when you do know what it is. I’m lucky to not suffer from these regularly but within that, it means that it really wipes me out when I do have them.)

Control. It’s an interesting concept given that in actual fact we have very little control of much in life.

Yet it’s something we find so difficult to let go of. Letting go of the need to control outcomes in particular.

Of course there are things we can control in life and basically that falls to taking complete responsibility for your own self. You can control your reactions, your words, thoughts and deeds. You can also exact a certain amount of influence over others too, but how they choose to behave will be their own control remit. 

So when you look at it, actually there is only one element you can strive to control and that is you. Your words, your actions, your behaviour, your thoughts and your reactions. It then goes out into the wide expanse of the universe with wheels set in motion regardless of whether you intended it or not.

Deeper still, I have been sitting with my own issues regarding migraines and control. I’m tired. Tired of having them, tired of being in pain and suffering, tired of taking medications that are damaging my body. Tired of these migraines affecting my day and my plans and meeting with others and working. I’m tired. I found a book today that got me thinking in a better way regarding these migraines and as usual that led to more deeper connections to the self about control in general.

Migraines are a manifestation of something out of balance with the body-mind-spirit. I’ve read lots of interesting articles about what that means specifically, but actually non of them fit correctly for me. So I sat with it and went within. Into my heart space to explore a little. This is what I discovered.

For me, my migraines are a manifestation of control. But not everyday control, these little debilitating moments link directly to my need to control who I am as a female.

I most commonly get migraines when I am juggling life and trying to achieve many things at once. These can be as simple as managing to get all the children up and dressed while also trying to get myself up and dressed, or as complex as trying to organise an event that includes people looking to me to organise them. It’s when my controlling ego mind takes the drivers seat and my loving gentle heart says uh oh here we go again.

You see, deep inside of me there is a carefree, happy and eccentric young girl who is skipping up the path of life, stopping to smell roses or paddle in the river, impulsively making big splashes with her feet and giggling to herself at the joy of this simple act. She climbs trees and hugs them, she happily pops along from one thing to the next, trusting the process in her innocent awe of the universe. She doesn’t even think to worry what others think of her, as she is far too busy enjoying and experiencing all that each moment has to offer her.

She happily asks for help when she needs it because she hasn’t yet thought to see ‘help’ as a weakness. The very idea that someone would rather struggle instead of ask for assistance, seems preposterous & frankly a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

This young girl is the epitome of innocence, happiness, joy, humour, fearless being, vulnerable but hardy, carefree but aware. The idea of caring ‘too’ much to her, seems as ridiculous as not caring a jot.

She says what she feels and often this is most inspiring as she speaks from a place of kind and gentle, playful innocence. Something that she is not yet aware, will one day be the very thing she fears in case of ridicule.

This beautiful soul is within me and she looks out from within, trapped within the confines of what she has become.

Because as a woman, I have ‘learnt’ that I must not act on impulse. I must control my flitty airy fairy girly ways. That innocence is seen as weakness. That you must stick to one thing and be the best at it that you can be, as a woman. I have learnt that I must reign in my female-ness if I wish to be taken seriously. That being vulnerable or needing help is a bad thing. That I must control my feminine ‘moods’ and keep a level head regardless of the hormones coursing through my body. I’ve learnt that childlike excitement and joy is seen as immature. I’ve learnt that feeling the impulse to do something a little wild means I’m imbalanced and require medication to balance me down to normal. I’ve learnt that I must push on regardless or be stepped on instead. I’ve learnt that to cry is weak and girly.  I’ve learnt that I must be more masculine despite being female by my very nature. I should be hard and strong and durable while also remaining soft and sweet and cute, dependant on the situation I am in.

All of these things I have learnt that I must control. All of which go against my inner knowing of how I truly am as a person, as a soul, as a woman. It’s little wonder that my brain can’t cope and my body screams at me.

All of these things that little girl is, that I deny myself to be, manifesting in sour energy creating dis-ease within.

The strongest we can ever be is to be ourselves in our own skins and hearts. To take responsibility for what we do and how we behave. To take responsibility for looking deep within and discovering the truth of why we suffer. All of this is within each of us. The ability to heal broken and missing parts of ourselves. No one can do it for you, it must come from within. We can seek assistance and be supported. We can witness and provide space. But we must provide that space to hold our own self. To scoop up that younger self within and apologise to her for becoming so lost. To release her from the prison she has been in and allow her to walk carefree amongst the trees and river, free to wander the path just because she can, no matter the outcome of such adventure.

And adventure she will! Trusting and having faith in the adventure of life is the first step to finding the joy in the steps and those steps help you to dance like no one is watching. Because if they are? They are merely wondering where that miraculous, beautiful spark of happiness came from. 

Nici Gorman

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