Ramblings at 3am

I’ve not written for a long while now. Others things have taken over, life has a way of doing that doesn’t it.

Importantly, it is our own recognition of this overtaking, that we need note and what we then choose to do with that.

I recognised some time ago that I had put my writings on the back shelf and many times I have sat with why. I have eventually come to that beautiful ah ha moment and I’m going to share that with you all.

I’ve had a lot going on for many months now. Things that have caused me to question EVERYTHING in spiritual life.

As humans we feel this need to separate different areas of our life into individual little pretty boxes, we feel that providing each area stays within its box, that life is organised, controlled and we have our shit together.

Thing is, that is honestly not how life works. Yes, it is important to have boundaries. It’s important for Janice in accounts, to understand that although she may pour her life issues out to you over lunch, it’s not okay to do so at midnight on a Sunday evening.

It’s important to have boundaries with work colleagues, friends, family. Most important is to understand that the most important person you need to please, is yourself.

But boundaries are not the same thing as categorising. We all do it! We all try to categorise people and situations into those pretty boxes we reserved for different areas of life.

And this is where we fall down. Boundaries are important for wellbeing. Mainly yours. But labelling and categorising are a social conditioning that we have been handed down.

We are consistently told via all kinds of avenues that we must have our life separated. That we must be ‘this’ person for family, ‘this’ person for work, ‘this’ person for friends and a completely different person for hobbies, families, for our husband/wife/partner, kids…..

And then we wonder why we have absolutely no frigging idea who we are!

Here’s a little secret. Who you outwardly portray yourself to be, in each situation is not who you are. Who you are is a mixture of all of those ‘you’s, and your mission should you choose to accept it, is getting down to the core of you, when you aren’t being who you feel you need to be for each individual area of ‘life’.

Who you are is the person at the end of the day. Who you are is the heart that aches and the feet that scream not to be shoved into another pair of agonising ‘standard issue’ heels/work boots etc.

I am not saying we should not make ourselves adaptable to various areas of life. You may swear like a trooper but that wouldn’t be appropriate in certain situations.

My point is that life is fluid. It is yours. You are you and there is absolutely no reason for you to feel you have to dull your sparkle to fit a societal norm.

More than that, by being authentically you in all areas of your life, you come to realise that actually, there are no areas. There are no boxes. This is your life. All of it and you have the choice in how you approach your life.

This is something I have come to realise over the past few months. I had tried so hard to keep different areas of my life separate.

My spiritual growth in one box
My family life in another
My friends in yet another box
How I home ed my children in yet another box.

Understandably I wore myself out. Being all these different versions of myself while trying to keep the lines of each box, clear and separate from another.

Things got even more complicated when some of the people from my spiritual growth box became members of my friends box too! Boundaries became blurred and expectations ran riot.

It took a series of events for me to finally blow out and decide it was all too much for me. I was tired of being all these people. So I took a big time out.

After a month or so, I realised I felt happier. I had less expectations put upon me to be a certain person to people and actually I felt better!

So who am I now?

I am me. I’m Nici, I swear, I get stressed, I don’t always do the housework, I dip my toes into various spiritual areas that interest me, just because they interest me, I home educate my children in a way that suits us and have zero interest in being anyone other than myself.

Those who accept all of me for me, stuck around. Those who didn’t, went off on their way and that is totally okay.

If I have learnt anything from all of this, it’s that as much as we are taught to box everything into categories, we can’t.

Because life has a funny way of flowing against constructions that are man made and meant to control. Even the ones we create ourselves.

Life is meant to move, to be fluid and we are very clever at adapting to those movements, providing we aren’t too busy being everything to everyone else.

Nici Gorman


4 thoughts on “Ramblings at 3am

  1. Your thoughts really resonated with me, Nici.
    The observation of life being a ‘flow” is what I’ve been experiencing as my elderly 92 year old mother transitions truly to the last stages of her long lived life.
    I have recently realized also, that there are no true “categories” or “boxes” within which we fit. As I go through these “flowing” changes with my mother I remain just who I am. Eccentric, loving, funny, silly, responsible Tommi. The woman who has the privilege of living with the woman who gave her life-her mother.
    As she labored to bring me into this world, I labor to help her leave this world.
    Thank you for writing your blog. ❤️️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beautiful way to see what’s going on in your life currently Tommi and completely true. You remain you, providing you know who you are in the first place. Warm, loving and healing hugs to you and your legendary mumma! ❤❤❤


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