Fear is a thief.

Not even sure where to start processing stuff from healing tonight. When Chris messaged me a few months back and asked me to allow him to help me with my migraines and stuff, I thought yeah go on then….in my usual cynical way that I’ve become accustomed to regarding healing.

Don’t misunderstand- each and every person has helped peel away another layer of what has been some seriously deep seated stuff and between reiki, energy healing, regression, QHHT, soul balance therapy and hypnosis I’ve been amazingly blessed to have layer upon layer, brought forward to heal. But the migraines remained, or returned. The healing processes were doing their thing, but there was something missing.

Then I got a text from Mr B. I will help you, I can help you, all you need to do is let me. So, I did.

What’s come from that allowance of someone reaching out with an offer of help, not only from Chris Byrne but from Rachael Setford, Kerry Washington, Ann Noble, Colin Mew, Natalie Collins and many more- has been the light bulb that I already knew.

You can only heal to the extent you are accepting of the healing. You can only heal that which you want healed. You will only heal to the extent that you are ready for. So each and every healing modality that I’ve received has been essential and instrumental in getting me where I needed to be.

So many people try a healing type and decide it simply doesn’t ‘work for them’. The simple truth though? It’s not about the healing working FOR you, but you working WITH the healing.

I’ve been asked a few questions in the recent past.
Who would I be without my illness? What could I achieve without my illness?
What would happen if I simply stopped having migraines.

Those questions have been impossible to answer honestly, until recently.

I had become my migraines, my chronic pain, my pmdd. I had become comfortable with them limiting me. They were my safety and my excuse and my opt out. Not intentionally of course, but subconsciously.

Every time I feared anything at all, I manifested that fear into being.

Fear is the wonderful companion that strokes at our ego. It snuggles us down, warm into our comfort zone and reminds us that everything is scary. Everything, except being here. Here with the fear that feed us and keeps us safe and secure and….in pain and suffering.

Who would I be without illness holding me back? I would be me, completely and authentically me at all times, with no opt out. No excuses, nothing to be able to use to say no to an opportunity. I could be successful. I could be satisfied. I could be content. I could achieve. And all of those things? Are the reason I fear.

Fear is simply lack of knowledge.

We fear that which we do not yet know. That which we haven’t experienced yet.
Having been ill more than healthy, I had a fear of not knowing who I am without illness, holding me back from finding out who I am.

That which I never could, until I was able to see my migraines, my triggers, my illnesses for what they are.

They are not mine. There are not a part of who I am. They are an affliction. I am not owned by them or defined by them. I am not my migraines. I have migraines. Such a simple sentence, but so very powerful.

In the past 3 weeks, I have noticed triggers that would usually cause a migraine. I have noticed it, felt it and decided that I do not have to be triggered by it. Just that small thought process. Its possible not to be triggered into a migraine. Possibility. A light flickering does not immediately indicate I will develop a migraine. And what has happened? I’ve had one migraine in nearly 3 weeks.

This is not only down to the above of course. But also down to the neurologist advising me to stop taking the beta blockers that weren’t helping my migraines.

This is Medical, alongside Holistic. Physical alongside Spiritual. Mind alongside Ego.

This is mind, body and spirit complimenting each other instead of fighting against each other.

This is Peaceful progress. I’m not fighting to be well. I am accepting that illness is not me. It’s not part of my identity, but instead something that happens sometimes and then sometimes it doesn’t.

Every moment as changeable as the next and every moment a choice to allow, embrace, fight or fear. 

Tonight, struck a nerve. A really really big nerve and it hurt. It was physically painful to be confronted with the seat of my fear and it has brought with it some strong emotions to be released. Hence this post. 

I fear being seen and distrust what I see. I fear not being enough. I fear ridilcule or saying the wrong thing. I fear being myself completely because in doing so, I fear being seen by the one person I need to be seen by. Myself.

If I saw myself as the amazing, talented, beautiful, intelligent, passionate person that I am, I would have nothing to stop me shining in my own right.

I don’t need others acceptance or acknowledgement. I need my own.

Who would I be without constant illness? Let’s find out! 

Nici Gorman

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6 thoughts on “Fear is a thief.

  1. Love this! You know you’ll be passing out this information to other sufferers at some point. In order for others who are ‘afflicated’ to someone’s accept hard truths, they can only come from someone who has experienced what they have. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Do you think? It was a scary one to write, given how much power we hand over to illness in general. We have this in built mode that tells us we have no control over illness and therefore have no control over whether we are afflicted or not.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. An interesting blog, plenty of food for thought, especially your comment fear is ‘simply’ the lack of knowledge.
    I disagree, fear is the lack of love. And there is nothing simple about the process, a good read.

    Liked by 1 person

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