Today, and for quite a few days/weeks, I have felt waves of so many opposing emotions that it is frankly exhausting.
Just in one day I have been overwhelmingly happy and moved, angry beyond measure, anxious, fearful, confident and then self defeatist in equal measure and I am currently feeling such deep sadness that it brims out of my eyes and my chest hurts.
I am tired. Tired of feeling completely fine, focused and sure and within minutes overwhelmed by utter despair.
I’m fed up with the constant ups and downs. How can anyone else keep up when I am motivated and charging forward one moment and then tearful and full of self hatred the next.
Earlier today, I was feeling excited about the coming full moon energy. Feeling strong and focused on providing a space for others to be within that energy because it’s something I so desperately need too. A gathering of like minds to be with, to meditate with and reflect with. And then the rain started.
I’ve been checking my office all day for leaks on the not 100% finished roof and it’s been fine. But come 5pm the rain had taken its toll and there was that drumming rythmn of drip, drip, drip…. certain that it won’t be as bad as I was projecting, I picked up a cushion to assess the damage. Woooosh! A torrent of water pours from the cushion, previously undisturbed. And I just felt like crying. So I did.
That cushion is like us. That roof too.
We can withstand the harshest conditions, providing there is a let up occasionally, but even the strongest foundations can only cope with so much before cracks begin to show. Before the water begins to come in.
On the surface, everything seems fine. To me that cushion looked dry and perfectly fine. And too often that is what we project out isn’t it. We’re fine but we are taking on water and no one can see, and so often, the last person to see that is ourselves. At which point we peek below the surface to assess the damage and out comes a flood! A flood of water, a flood of held onto emotions and fears and ‘stuff’.
But that assessment of the damage is essential so that we can see what we are working with and come up with a plan. With it comes the opportunity to flow. To release and to let go of the fear of being anything less than our own self.
And so I assessed. I stood there in my office and I had a cry. I considered cancelling this evenings meeting and I could feel myself allowing the weight of those emotions to pull me under. So, I grabbed a life raft, and I called my lifeline. (My husband) I explained the issue and he told me to grab the cushions, bring them in to dry and he will sort the roof. He told me there was no need to cancel and to just know it will all be fine.
And so, that’s what I did. I didn’t cancel, I got the cushions in. A few other hiccups happened along the way but I resigned myself to just going with whatever flow was happening. Yes I still had waves of emotion. Doubts, thoughts of saying sod it and cancelling. But I allowed myself to flow with those emotions and have a cry or a stamp of my feet or a sarcastic look at my situation and shrug my shoulders.
Those who made it this evening needed that connection and time to be, massively. Including myself. It was a beautiful evening of accepting things as they are, instead of what we picture them to be.
We had a wonderful meditation in the now almost dry office and we gathered around the firepit to send our intentions and healing up into the universe. The sky cleared and grandmother moon graced us with her beautiful energy.
Thankyou to that cushion. For showing me what I was failing to see. In moments of disaster there is a chance to reassess, gather thoughts and let go of all that stuff we were holding onto.
Thankyou beautiful wise and bright moon, for always guiding my path.