It’s okay to not be okay.

Where do I start with this blog.

At the beginning I hear you say.

As many will know, I started down my spiritual pathway a long time ago now. But I only really ‘came out’ of the spiritual closet about 7 or 8 years ago. And even then it was very slowly.

The things I have learnt along the way could fill a volume of books, never ending as with us all I am sure! But there is one particular piece of information that has alluded me for what feels like forever.

As a child I was always poorly. Tonsillitus was prevalent, then migraines, then full body wide spread pain. Chronically. When I was pregnant with each of my 4 children, I suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum- a condition in which you are physically unable to even keep water down for most of the 9 months of pregnancy. Each of the children was above average weight and healthy, but I? Was really not. I suffered from postnatal depression with my eldest child and have also suffered from depression and anxiety for much of my life on and off.

Around 7 years ago I started to look into not just why I had these illnesses but also the backgrounds and possible reasons outside of the medical information. I found CBT. Cognitive behaviour therapy. The theory of CBT was so so helpful, not only in helping me to understans the mind, but also to understand my children better too.

I then discovered mindfulness. And this is where I really began to dig deep, into my own self for the reasons behind physical manifestation of disease. I began applying the theory of CBT and mindfulness, meditation and also yoga into my life and things improved! It was an amazing experience. Even to this day I suffer less than I did, simply by understanding that I am not the pain, I am the one witnessing the pain. Non judgemental gentle awareness while looking at the behaviours causing the issues.

But as I work through one issue or illness, I receive more to work on. And I couldn’t work out why. Each time I came to an understanding and healing of an issue, It faded, but a new issue seemed to spring up in its place.

What I was failing to realise was the truth of the lessons as a whole. The ability for self love and to feel compassion for ones self.

The illnesses I have experienced, have in turn taken me to a deeper understanding of the self and in doing so, a deeper understanding of compassion. And round we go, along that spiralling staircase returning again and again to further deepen that understanding and allow ourselves to grow.

You see, compassion is not only having sympathy or empathy for a situation. It is more than that. It is an appreciation for that issue or illness exactly as it Is, not judging why or how. Not seeking to change It, but a simple acceptance of the problem without trying to fix it. We are such fixers aren’t we!

As soon as we see an issue we choose to view it as something to be fixed or healed. The problem here? Is that it doesn’t need fixing. You are already whole. Already healed. Already perfect. We just need to allow us to see we are healed already. In doing so we accept the loving compassion that we are and stop blocking the flow.

But alas. We are human and seeing this concept is not easy. I am not there yet. I believe in the theory of the ability to be completely healed already, but I cannot as yet see it manifest into practice.

And this? Is what one of my many purposes is. This is why I am given so many opportunities to gain another piece of the puzzle, with each issue I manifest for my own learning.

Many struggle with the idea that we manifest illness for ourselves. But I see it as simple.

A stream is flowing and healthy. When I get clogged up by outside pollutants it cannot flow and the water can become stagnant and unhealthy. We are the same as that river.

The stream is us. The pollutants, not letting go of emotional issues.

And now. Present day. I am faced with an even more deep connection to that compassion. You see at the end of May, after about a year of feeling not quite right, I had some tests done, including a smear test. I hadn’t had a smear for about 9 years, simply because life gets in the way. And isn’t that an oxymoron. Smear tests are there to catch abnormal cells before they interfere with life. Yet here I was, from the beginning of June with severely abnormal cells covering a large space of my cervix. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind, seeing doctors, having a minor operation and now awaiting test results.

This has severely got in the way of ‘life’. We currently are awaiting news as to whether they have got all the nasties or whether the abnormality has invaded other tissue in my body and that is difficult. The possibility of cancer is a real one.

But here’s where it gets interesting. I am not seeing any of this as a bad thing. It is really pushing me to dig deep into being present in my days. It’s allowing me to take honest looks at my relationships. It’s allowing me to flow with emotional reactions and witness them. Yes I become my emotions on some days, yes I project worry into the what ifs. But I am able to witness myself doing this. To catch it and discuss it.

And this is yet another beautiful opportunity that I have presented myself with. I understand the manifestation of issues within the reproductive system, I’ve been able to take a good look at many of the experiences in my life that have created blockages in that energetic flow. I’ve been able to reassess and speak to my younger self about these issues and experiences, using my current self as a guide for my younger self. I am healing those moments that allowed stagnant energy to gather.

And when I forget myself and the journey I’m on? My body is quick to remind me. For example, after refusing to give myself love and compassion, I developed a post op infection. Now of course these things can just happen. But that answer isn’t good enough for me. I trust that everything happens via ourselves in some way for a good reason. (And it’s okay if you don’t believe that, this is my truth)

So 2 weeks post op, I am still unwell. I am learning again, the limits of my body , the extent of my love for myself. The balance that is needed.

And how most importantly? Now is the only moment you truly have.

With this in mind, and with everything else I have going on currently I have decided to take the summer off work. I’ve decided to cancel my workshops and concentrate on now. Right now.

Because although I love what I Do, I love me more. And without a healthy me I cannot do what I love without it impacting on my life.

I don’t believe that healers or spiritual workers need to have everything perfect for them to work with others. We are all continuously working on stuff! But I do believe we have a responsibility to show others that it is important to put self first so that we can continue to work with others.

And that’s another important lesson I have been learning too. Working with others. Collaboration with others. It’s where the magic is at!

I will continue to run the community group on a Tuesday knowing that we are a beautiful bunch of people who are happy to collaborate and support the running of group and will continue to mentor a dear friend too. But everything else is off the table for now.

Because actually? I can’t white wash over what is going on within me Right now. That is what creates the issues in the first place and we need to get back to being okay with not being okay.

Love as always

Nici Gorman


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