On Saturday I went on a journey. A road trip with a group of amazing women who I had always felt were so much more than I. More together, more experienced, more than.
And this was partly a part of the trip. To release that lack within and see myself in truth.
I couldn’t sleep the night before. I’ve been to Glastonbury many times in the last few years but I can never sleep the night before. It’s like I cannot contain the excitement of returning to a place I once knew as home.
And so, I talked. I chatted on and off to a friend from America who kept telling me to go to sleep. But our conversation had been needed for the coming day and he nor I, knew how much so.
We were talking about fear. About how we come to lose that fear. And how we see it as such a huge process of digging and evaluating and clearing and cleansing. But after all the processing, or none at all- there is still something needed. We have to choose to let go.
At the time, 2am in the morning, I couldn’t comprehend the idea of just letting it go. Dropping it. It was completely alien to me. It needed to be a process! It must be! I Finally slept between 2am and 3am and my husband woke me at 8am, an hour later than I had intended to wake. A moment of panic rose within and I slowly remembered that today is all as it needs to be. Today is always as it needs to be.
I headed out unknowing what the day would have in store, but knowing it would be special. I collected a friend and we then headed down to collect the others. That morning, as I had done once before, I drove out of my comfort zone. Literally. I drove us all to Glastonbury.
We arrived in good time and headed to the chalice well. Anxiety began to fill me as although I’d been here before, I didn’t know what the plan was. What were we doing here? Soon my worries were heard when Ann, our facilitator for the day sat us down and explained that it’s now time for our individual journey. We have done much work together in rediscovering our authentic energy but now it’s time for you to guide yourself. She explained she would be waiting for us at The end of the journey but it was time to direct our own energy and follow our own inner light for these steps.
And so I sat. To begin with I was acutely aware of all the other people around me, going about their visit to the well. Go within Nici, make this journey count.
I suddenly found myself aware of the water all around me. Streams above the ground, weaving in and out of the rocks and earth around it. I became aware of the water trickling beneath my feet flowing as it needs to underground, above ground, everywhere. I was joined by a beautiful feminine energy. She felt strong, powerful, unapologetic in her sensual creative self. She told me her name- Rhiannon. She sat with me and rubbed my shoulders clear of the tension I had been unaware I was carrying. Her touch firm and determined and purposeful. Other feminine energies appeared. Rubbing my feet, tending to the self care needs that I had not been.
They spoke to me of the water. The water just is. It flows, however it needs to, it journeys sometimes rushing, some times a gentle meander, sometimes visible, sometimes hidden. But it just is. It seems no approval as to where it flows. It feels no need to justify itself or to struggle and fight to be. It just is.
I could be that water if I chose to drop the walls of the dam I had built up around me.
I felt the need to do a reiki self heal. Sat on a bench in the middle of the chalice wells, I chose to do what I needed to in that moment. Hands to crown I allowed the flow. And as I did, anotjer energy came to be with my on my journey. Mother Mary. Her energy bright, compassionate but unwavering in her purpose. She drew me to my throat, solar plexus and finally my heart. And as I healed these spaces, my hands became heavy with the fear, anxiety and lack that I had been holding within me. These heavy threads gathering into a ball in my hands. I remembered my friends words. ‘Drop the ball’ and it became clear to me.
I thanked the Goddesses for their support and began my slow walk on the next stage of this journey. As I walked I became aware of how heavy the fear felt in my hands. It hurt to carry It, my arms ached under the weight of what I had carried within me for so long. But all around me was beauty. Sunshine, birds singing, the grass beneath my feet, the tall strong trees silently whispering their wisdom to all who choose to hear.
I found myself at the lions head and I stood for a moment watching the flow of water. Realising I had followed the streams path hidden below my feet as I walked. Water just flows. And so can you.
I put the ball of fear under the flowing water and released. Watching the water immediately wash it away, a small drop in the ocean of all that is.
I allowed the water to refresh my hands and arms, feeling stronger, calmer. A wave of joy and peace washing over me as the water washed my hands.
I was ready to move again. Yet now, my walk became more purposeful. More clear. I felt my body stand taller, more confident in itself. Self assured and allowing to just be.
I headed to the healing pools. But felt I needed to sit for a while. Just soaking in the amazong energy of the space. I sat and meditated. My mind clear of why’s, how’s or maybes. When I came back into my self I opened my eyes and saw my friend had arrived. It seemed we were to enter the pools together. We slipped off our shoes, hitching our dresses and stepped into the cold waters.
Mindful of every step I washed my legs and arms and threw water over my head , splashing my friend playfully in the process. Massive smiles unable to be contained I stepped out. Feeling completely renewed. But there was still more to do. I sat with a giant rock for a moment, tracing my finger along the spiral engraved into it. And I suddenly realised I needed to step back into the healing pool, but this time, from where I was standing. Walking the same path in reverse. Cleansing anything from the past that no longer needed to be carried too. This walk was slower and more purposeful and as I climbed the steps and out I arrived back at where I started. Minus the fear. Minus to blockages of speaking my truth and the truths of women in general. Minus any lack attached to who I am.
Allowing the sun to dry my body I walked on the grass, a remembered childlike joy and excitement within. I walked around a large tree feeling I had walked this path before and so I reversed and walked back around it, creating the infinity loop I had been doing the entire journey.
Infinite by nature. Infinite by mind. Infinite by soul.
I laid on the damp grass, laughing and without a care taking a moment to turn my face to the sun and thank it for reminding me to just shine for who I am. After all, the sun doesn’t care if a person judges it. It just shines.
As we joined together, 5 sisters at the end of a transformational journey, Ann revealed she had a gift for each of us. For me? A jar full of diamonds. She opened the jar and poured them into my Hands, overflowing and scattering to the ground. She reminded me to Shine like the diamond I am, that we each are.. A beautiful gift to help me remember the journey I had just been on, should that fear or lack ever creep back in.
We spent the rest of the day laughing, sharing food, talking, enjoying the day for exactly what it needed to be.
And as we sat sharing drinks and experiences in the pub, I knew that what had come to be, was the need to finally and simply drop that ball. I found myself with renewed perspective. I suddenly realised I was one of them. Not lacking. Not less than. We are all equal in our paths. All vulnerable. All powerful. All amazing. All shining like the crazy diamonds we are, shining how we need to personally and uniquely.
What a day.